Lights out

According to a couple news items I’ve read some alleged scientists want to put a giant umbrella in space to block out a couple percent of the energy reaching Earth. Apparently, some uber-rich individuals are all in on the idea as well, although they’d prefer to have taxpayers foot the bill for it. The arguments in support of this idea are of course all based on the still quite dubious claims that we are heating up the globe because blah blah blah. For argument’s sake, let’s say they do it, and oops, they block a little too much, and the ice ages return forever, and it’s irreversible because almost all of us die so nobody can get rid of the umbrella. I suppose we could sue…

Apart from the fact that there are quite a few eggheads out there that want large numbers of us to drop dead, all of whom seem to think that if there is a massive reduction in the population, they will still survive, there remains the real question. Where the fuck do these people think they get the right to conduct such an experiment, one that could have a catastrophic effect on all life on this planet. And no, this isn’t a distant kind of possibility. The Earth has wobbled back and forth over the tipping point for an iced age repeatedly in its past without any help from us humans. People taking an action that significantly reduces the amount of energy we get from the sun could easily send us into one that never ends. And, the interesting thing about tipping points is that ANY amount of reduction could do it, and done is done. Just the fact that we have had several Ice Ages already shows we are in a fine balance between freezing and roasting as it is. Proponents of the GAIA theory imagine that life itself on a global scale is what has maintained that balance, this kind of action, cutting off the source of energy for life itself, could deal the entire planet a death blow. Maybe the earth itself could survive it somehow over millennia, I doubt we would be there to see it.

Imagine the ego you have to have to think that they can unilaterally take such an action, and tell anyone who objects to stuff it, or maybe just do it on the sly, because science, or something. One thing for certain, I’m pretty sure I won’t hear about any kind of proposal to have us vote on this anytime soon.

Cheers

Et Tu, Dune?

Worldwide events are too depressing, I’m retreating to watch old movies. Because I just finished the latest incarnation of the book Dune turned into a movie at the theater, so, I’ve decided to dredge up some of the earlier ones. Today I’m going to review the Sci-Fi channel’s “Frank Herbert’s Dune, Directors Cut”. Circa December 2000

Here we go, on with the review.

Let’s start with a critique of the players. Not a single actor in this production has the appearance, character, or presence of personality conjured up in reading the book, none were even close. And the liberties they took with the lines, along with the obliteration of the roles the various players were given, changing the essence of the story itself, is a tale all of its own. First of all, the director(s) should have been beaten for the costumes and faux English Royalty trappings they presented the audience with in the settings. While the book does hint at a Feudal society in decline, it nowhere depicts a degenerate European nobility with costumes out of a middle ages fable as it’s model, right down to the Robin Hood esq.’ furniture and trappings. And, I’m not being homophobic here, the main characters all act a bit gay, both in demeanor and costume, stereotypical English gay at that, the way John Cleese in Monty Python would depict them, not a manly man among them. And the performance of the leads, sigh.

Take William Hurt, for example, playing Duke Leto Atreides, the designated victim.  I’ve never seen a more wooden performance by him as he read various lines snatched at random from a book I doubt he ever read. He has done some good work over the years, and I don’t want to besmirk him now that he’s passed away, I think his best performance was in Gorky Park, but comparing that to this movie I am thinking someone swapped out his personality for a robot for this role.

Anyway, the lead actor, playing Paul, they kept trying to portray him as a blond and noble “Teutonic Knight in training”, but his performance is a cross between a petulant rich kid schoolboy and a stiff upper lip preppy, I kept hoping that a worm would eat him.

Then there’s Chani, the love of his life, helping to define the word “forgettable”. Also, in the novel, Paul’s mom is supposed to be a serene beauty, wily and thoughtful, along with killer fighting skills and mental powers. The actor for this part looks and acts like she has trouble picking out what lipstick to wear that goes with desert drab.

There is a nod to some of the other important figures in Paul’s life, like Duncan Idaho and Gurney Halleck, but the Duke’s Mentat, Thufir Hawat, despite being a crucial character in the novel, is almost invisible, excepting a ridiculous costume. As for the Duncan and Idaho characters, well, they both sucked, sorry. Integral they may have been to the original story, but here I was happy they got only a little screen time. Dr Yeuh, the erstwhile traitor, is in the book a strong but tortured man, here, he’s a spineless wimp. I’m not going to pick at the rest of them, it’s just more of the same.

The pacing of the “action”, amounts to “walk around for a bit, stop and recite a few lines grabbed at random from the book, do it again, and then again”, with all the enthusiasm and energy of third graders reciting Shakespeare in Old English.

And they can’t even get the lines right, in the book Chani, in an early “get to know you” dream conversation, says to Paul “Tell me of the waters of your home world, Usal”, she doesn’t call him “Mau’dib.” It makes a difference, but I guess you’d have to both read and understand what was going on in the book to know that, something that apparently no one involved in the production of this turkey took the time to do.

On we go to Chani meeting Paul in a desert hideout, a touching scene with all the sexual chemistry of a barracuda smelling rotten meat. A bit of banter here and there as they settle into their hideout, and then, unexpectedly, they treat us to a lingering shot of a guy changing clothes, bending over to show his bare ass down to his knees. Letting us see bitter-faced Chani’s boobs after that did nothing to mitigate the horror of that scene.

And then Paul’s mom pops in to catch him looking and she says “She’s the one from your dreams, I can tell by the way you stare at her”. For an all-wise Bene Gesserit Witch, she seems awfully dense.

I mean really, there isn’t a straight guy on this planet that has gone through puberty that doesn’t know why he is staring at her, and it isn’t because of any dreams he’s told his mom, I hope. “Gee mom, she reminds me of something that I dream about”, “I don’t know son, she looks a little rough around the edges for that”

And then there’s the scene with Dr. Kynes getting whacked, people who never read the book, i.e. most of the non-Sci-Fi buff audience, must have been flabbergasted at that one. At this point, his importance to the whole story is a complete mystery, and it’s going to stay that way. Right now he’s in the desert wandering around, dumped there by the evil Harkonnen’s, when all of a sudden he kneels down at a rumbling sound, and says “A pre-spice mass”, and then the sand, along with the good doctor, blows up. Given how far this thing strays from the book and its themes and dialogue, just about now everyone still watching is wishing it came with a Cliff Notes version along with a pause button so they could check and see what was going on.

Did I mention how they did the blue eyes of the Freeman in this one? Think “Village of the Damned” with Donald Sutherland, meets the sand people from Star Wars, peering at you from the shadows, only worse.

And then we have the fight scene with Jamis to ponder, as they both strip down to Japanese sumo wrestlers clouts, stuffed with socks in the front. I guess you don’t get Jockey’s in the desert. After a bit of posturing they proceeded to make the knife battle in “West Side Story” look believable. And the dialogue, oh god, the dialogue. “He’s never had to kill”, “Well, he better learn”. Good advice indeed. Jamis is, of course, toast, “Hey, we’re trying to fulfill a prophecy here”, and they move on to a depressing scene where they suck the water out of him, you wanna drink some,? it’s gooood, oof.

Sandworm riding. Of all the things they should have explained to a clueless audience, this is a biggy, and none of the Dune movies ever do so despite an excellent narrative on it, and how it’s done, in the book. In this one, you’re left with an image of a Roman Charioteer holding reins attached to a couple of flaps of “what?” In the book, it makes perfect sense, in all the movies so far they may as well have been using a flying carpet. The worms, and the riding thereof, are an integral part of the story, and indeed of the concept of desert power as expressed on Dune, a central theme almost totally washed out of the movie. When you finally get to see one of them they look like overgrown mealworms, with teeth. And into the fight scene he comes, evil Harkonnen’s are being slaughtered everywhere, as Paul floats in to join the battle like Zorro without a horse, knife in hand, I guess he learned his lesson. At this point, he is supposed to be evolving into some kind of a natural leader, based on his performances so far I don’t think there is a man on the planet who, being desperate to pee, would follow him to the bathroom.

We get treated here and there to the Emperor’s daughter, Princess Urulan, getting a complete recasting in both role and dialogue vis a vis the original story, and also an unbelievably cringe performance by Chani talking about the awesomeness of Paul’s skin, it made mine want to crawl away and hide.

In stunned response to this speech his mom, Jessica, the erstwhile Bene Gesserit, fishing around for something to say, gives us this line, “I mean, he still has the glow of youth”. This is dialog that must have escaped from a bad Disney movie, I almost heaved. BTW, Speaking of Disney characters, this is the mouse that supposedly inspired Paul to be “The Man” after they met:

I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a dessert warrior after having a conversation with that?

We then get treated to what passes for entertainment in the hideout. Wait, what? Punch and Judy Theater with dolls on strings, where was that in the book? Let’s inject English fable into a story that had nothing to do with anything European, why don’t we? This really gives a new definition to the concept of “Artistic License”, and not for the better.

 And then, as my mind slips into some imaginary dialogue to go with the next scenes, I give you this vision, courtesy of the red wine I’m drinking: Paul and Chani have a private talk, and it comes down to, “Let’s do a little bonding over some mystical sayings, and then we can go to my tent”. ”Okay, but I hope you don’t mind the smell of a VJ that’s never known a drop of soap and water”. “That’s ok, I’m so horny right now I’d fk a wet rock,“ or something like that. Think Michael Caine in “The Man Who Would Be King”, as the Afgan women try to entice him into a little hanky panky, only here he goes for it. And remember, she looks like this when she’s thinking about Paul:

And then they manage to squeeze in the orgy scene from the book, sort of, a lot of groping and rolling around the caves, along with a couple random breasts flashed upon the screen. I wanted a “Spice Beer” myself after I watched this one. I guess they were working on an “R” rating to drum up some interest when marketing this thing, but really, as far as the plot goes, they could have left this to the imagination of the fans.

Continuing on, somewhere in the making of this masterpiece the directors or producers or whoever runs the show says to the casting and makeup peep’s ”The Emperor’s private army, called the Sardaukar, are the badd-est, mightiest warriors in the galaxy, feared by all, make me a uniform/costume that reflects that”. And this is what they ran with:

Why, they practically radiate fierceness, right? I mean, let’s face it, you have to be tough to wear a wool sweater on a desert planet, think Phoenix in July….. And that hat, people practically die just looking at it.

There seems to be so many B-grade Sci-fi films made with all English casts, they must be really cheap compared to Hollywood extras. I still like to watch them, and it really shouldn’t matter but, in this case, it totally sucks, because they can’t shed their English mannerisms, and the fact that Herbert clearly defined the Atreides male line as being dark, dark, Greek, is totally ignored. And they so butchered the end scenes in this movie, a travesty majestic in its ineptitude. An audience that never read the book would not have had the slightest idea what was going on, and what’s the point of a movie you have to read a book first to understand?

Along the way Princess Irulan is tossed to the figurative wolves by her dad as he tries to salvage his place on top of the galactic food chain, in the final scenes I want to add her saying this subtext “It’s ok Dad, I’ll fk him, that’ll fix everything, “ and Paul, completely lacking in male hormones, declines.

And the costumes, why so many fkd up costumes, did someone have a side deal to get rich making up these ridiculous outfits for this movie, they have absolutely no place in this tale, someone must have had way too many bong hits when they approved them all.

Coming up on the final fight scenes, the opponents start to diss each other, saying things like the traditional Freeman “May they knife chip and shatter” the meaning of which is never explained, or, they could have used the “just as plausible” English rant “May you throw up after your first beer”, either line would have fit the mood. I knew they were skilled actors when they didn’t bust out laughing. And, somehow, they managed to sneak in a Japanese samurai outfit with a headband on Paul’s head for him to remove before the final fight scene:

When Paul says the obligatory “let’s fight” line I am reminded of another old taunt laid on the memory of ancient Greece, “May thy hemorrhoids be as big as grapes”. maybe it was Ancient Rome, it still fits this scene. The disrespect is so thick it could cut cold movie theater popcorn butter.

They start to fight, and, in the meantime, the actor playing Paul’s sister, Alia, suddenly laughs hysterically for some reason, and I think she says, sotto voice, “I can’t believe I get paid for this”, me neither. The final battle, completely lacking the tension and drama depicted in the book, is thankfully over quickly, a little more nonsense that was just made up by the screenwriter’s plays out, and it’s done.

And so it falls, like all the other Dune movies I’ve seen. Having been given a masterpiece, and told to bring it to the screen, instead the massive egos of the decision makers dictated that they rewrite the story somehow, and “Make it theirs”, and in doing so ruined the whole thing. It’s like a disease, and everyone who makes movies out of great books seems to be infected with it, they are driven to take masterful works of the imagination and turn them into dross while patting themselves on the back for being so wonderful. One thing that is consistent with all the various incarnations of this book on the silver screen is that they all refuse to tell the story that Frank Herbert told, absolutely refuse. This is a novel that has been touted as Science Fiction’s Supreme Masterpiece, and yet, the directors and producers all take different bits and pieces and slap them together to tell entirely different tales, why?

Everyone acknowledges the book was great but in all of the filmed versions I’ve seen they all manage to tell the tale, while eliminating its essence. They even managed a little bit of pseudo-Nazi symbolism in this one to the Atreides décor, no telling why, they just stuck it in there and ran with it:

Oh well.

Having just seen the most recent Dune movies at the theater, I am going to run down the other older ones that are out there. I remember being amused by the one that had Sting in it, if I can find it that will be next. I’ll save my critique of the current one for a while, people seem to like it and I don’t want to spoil it for anyone with my definitely biased opinions. BTW, this thing won 2 Emmys and a nomination for a third, and its follow-ups, depicting the next 2 books in the series, were apparently quite popular, although I’ve never seen them, so I guess I am in the minority with my critique, my bad.

 So there it is another movie review for your reading pleasure. It’s got some spoilers in it, but then again it’s a really old movie, so, so what? Even with my massive readership this one is not going to make much of an impact at this point in time, and my cat says I need to write something, so here it is.

Cheers, NADOA

The body count …

Glancing through X feeds, I keep seeing this as a popular topic, so I decided to watch a few as the phrase rang a bell. When I first heard it, way back when, on the 5 o’clock news, it was used in reference to a mostly made-up number, or “estimate”, if you will, about how many enemies were killed in the latest battle in Vietnam. I guess it was supposed to be a morale booster as we licked our wounds during a time when “search and destroy” was a good name for a troop deployment. It faded from the newscasts when we changed our mission names to things like hug and kiss, or something like that, as we tried to get out of that whole hot mess of a war.

Lately, the phrase has come back into the popular lexicon as a way of describing and putting a number to casual sexual encounters, what used to be called “one-night stands”. Every generation has to have its own lingo, so here we are, and instead of whispering about them in hushed conversations in back rooms, it’s being proudly posted on the internet via podcasts and spot interviews on the streets. Back in the day, it was the guys doing a little boasting as the beers got swilled down, now all I see are girls proudly grabbing some bragging rights.

So, I listened to a couple more tik-toc’s of single girls talking about their body counts, dating circles, and expectations regarding a suitable mate. All were apparently mid-20s to early 30’s, some were attractive, and others were, how to be gentle, were not, to not even close. All of them were on the path to the most frightening moment in a single girl’s life, while getting ready to make the scene. The day when they are ignored in the crowd, when nobody notices them, no one glances back, and offers for dates or just plain hookups vanish. The day when the competition is getting all the attention, they are no longer desirable hotties, if they ever were, besides in their own minds. You may think I’m being a bit judgmental, and perhaps I am, but I’d rather be pursued by a horny wildebeest than get caught by some of these specimens who think they can snag a guy worth millions. Anyway, it’s not quite the end for them at this point, they can always retreat to the regular bars when the clubs no longer work. The beer goggle effect will reliably work right past middle age and beyond. Unfortunately, they are going to need their own pair as time continues to march on, and they are always gone come morning.

When listening to some of these conversations I’m not surprised that can boast about “doing” 2 or 3 guys a night sometimes, even given the size of some of these heifers, alcohol still works wonders. But hearing some of these girls state that a guy needs to make a quarter mil a year minimum for exclusive rights (i.e. marriage), to a package that is about to pass itself around like a stinky party favor only leads credence to the theory that today’s women are living in a fantasy world. I saw one today where a somewhat attractive girl on spring break told the interviewer she was “doing” 5 guys a day for the duration of her vacation. Just think, over 70 chances to get an STD in less than 2 weeks, you go girl! 

I guess if I was a randy guy at the beach I’d be all for it, but I don’t think anyone is bringing her home to meet the p’s anytime soon. They say the Internet is forever, so can you imagine the conversation she will have with her teenage or younger kids when they run across that clip while wondering why they all look different from each other. In the spirit of keeping up with tradition, I can hear her “Dad-Of-The-Week” yelling “Roll camera” as he gets ready to immortalize his family’s complete breakdown. Gonna be fun.

Cheers

Water, water, everywhere…..

How much in volume is a pound of water? About 16 ounces

Why should you care?? Let’s see.

Water is one of the most abundant things on earth, and easily sourced most everywhere. Other than in desert areas, hot or cold, it’s also one of the most obtainable, especially in an industrial scale. When you are talking about the cost of it per ounce even bottled water from Fiji is ridiculously cheap considering where it comes from. The stuff that comes out of an industrial-size tap is too cheap to even mention by the ounce. So again, why should you care, it’s a good thing, right? Except that, it’s being used to cheat the consumer on a mind-boggling scale. How so? Here we go…

Today I’m going to focus on meat, so all you vegetarians can tune out now. They are getting you too, but that’s for another day. I first picked up on this many years ago in a chain store known for lower prices, in Arkansas. A package of beef had caught my eye because it looked inexpensive compared to the same cut where I lived in California. So I looked a little closer, and there it was, a statement on the label that said, contains up to 7% of added water. I noticed similar notices on some packages of chicken. I thought about it and came to the realization that this being a state not known for individual wealth, this is how they kept buying meat for dinner an option for people who didn’t have a lot of money. Oh well, it wasn’t something I saw in my neighborhood market so I kinda forgot about it. And then, over the years it has crept into all the meat counters at home. At first, it was just chicken where I noticed it, and then slowly but relentlessly has been showing up in other meats. Ham, beef, you name it. It’s listed in the label, sometimes deceptively called “a solution” of something, expressed as a percentage. They even have an industry name for it, it’s called “Plumping” They sometimes claim it adds taste and blah blah blah, it’s good for you, ya know, call me skeptical but I’m thinking the real plumping is in the producer’s bottom line.

Some meat products don’t have a warning about added content, but, while I can’t prove it, I can see and even feel the added water as I work with a meal or cook things. Take raw pre-packaged bacon for example, something I’ve been handling since I was a kid, it all has all achieved a greasy, limp, and decidedly wet feel to it when you take it out of its packaging. For comparison, feel it along with deli counter bacon with its stiff, waxy feel. I know, it’s subjective, so what. It’s always been known for shrinkage when cooked, but now it practically does a disappearing act, leaving watery grease behind. Put it in a microwave to cook and you can watch the steam boil off.

The worst offenders so far are chicken products, fresh, frozen, whole bird or just parts, followed by processed ham, then beef.  Chicken, depending on its origin, seems to range from 3% to an astonishing 25% by weight of “a solution”, AKA, water, along with salt and other crud. And they still get to say it is all natural, because what could be more natural than water.

And to add insult to injury, even if you are ok with buying water at meat prices, you can’t even cook this stuff the way you want to, for example, in stir-frying. Why? Because you can’t stir fry water. Heat up a skillet, add a little oil, set the heat to high, and toss in the meat, and as soon as the chicken heats up out comes the water, and you’re boiling your dinner, like it or not.

A lot of cuts of beef are getting the same way, you can’t get a good sear, or caramelize it properly because as soon as it gets hot it’s sitting in a puddle of water that just oozes out as your dinner shrinks. And no, you can’t escape this by grilling, your $ 15-a-pound rib eye, or $ 10-a-pound flap meat, is still going to shrink when you toss it on, except the water will turn into vapor, unseen.

The ground stuff is even worse. I’m used to 70% lean ground beef losing about half its size as hamburgers on the grill, I know I bought a lot of fat with it, so I plan for it, but when 96% “lean ground sirloin” does the same thing we have a problem.

Today, when asked why I need 5 pounds of meat to make enough Italian beef for 4, all I can say is that it’s going to disappear when I cook it. And it isn’t just a few producers doing it, it’s everywhere. I’m going to attach some packaging pictures from various, but by no means all, sources available locally, to illustrate how widespread this is.

Wild Fork, for example, not to pick on them, but, is a somewhat upscale store featuring all frozen products that comes to mind. Chicken tenders, 15% “of a solution”, thighs, up to 20% water and salt, bacon wrapped beef tenderloin, 15% of water, and some blah blah,blah, and “beef type flavor”. This one really burns me, I mean, WTF, this is supposed to be upscale meat, why do they have to add beef flavor to it, what happened to the flavor it started out with? What kind of cows are out there that don’t taste like beef?

Cooks ham, butt portion, 23% water added. Seasoned Carne Asada (flap meat) up to 22% of “a solution.” In case you thought fish has been left out, I just saw a package of frozen Swai, a factory-farmed fish that is as hard to raise as goldfish, going for a sale price of $5 lb., the package said it contains a remarkable 30% of ”a solution”. I could go on. The point of all this is that even with prices going through the roof, they are selling it to you somehow packed full of water, one of the cheapest things on earth next to air, and charging you for it at the price of meat.

So let’s go back to the numbers. The Carne Asada was “on-sale” at $6 lb. It’s 22% water. You got 14.08 oz. of meat for your money, and 3.52 oz. of water, at meat pricing, so you paid $1.32 per pound, or .0825 per ounce for the water. According to the internet, .007 is what a consumer pays for a gallon of water in CA.  Divided by 128 ounces that’s about .0000547 per ounce. Times 3.52 ounces equals a water cost of .0001925 for the added water, the cost to a consumer if paid at retail for the water. You paid 1.32 a pound, divided by 16 is .0825 per ounce, times 3.52 equals .2904 for the water. There is no way the food processor is paying retail for water but we’ll go with this number. That translates to a whopping 150757.1% markup for the water, sweet. Think about this the next time you hear that they are adding all this water to better the consumer experience, for flavor, whatever the excuse. It’s a massive con, even if my math, not my strong suit, is off by a decimal point or two. Sure, it’s not It’s not a lot of money per transaction, but look at the big picture,

For example, an estimate from the internet gives me 15,000 metric tons of chicken eaten every year in the US. That’s 33,069,000 pounds. By the way, the chicken I mentioned is about $3.50 a pound, nowhere near the high price it can go for around here. I’ll average the water content to 20%. That’s 70 cents per pound for the water, and $2.82 for the meat. 33,069,000 pounds of chicken minus 20% for water is 6,613,800 pounds of water, or 105,820,800 ounces, or 826,725 gallons. Cost at retail, .007 x 826,725 = 5,787,075. Profit, .70 per pound sold is for the water, x 33,069,000 pounds, is 23,148,300 – retail cost is 5,787,075, net profit is $17,361,225. Not bad for selling water.

The actual numbers may vary, but nonetheless, the consumer is getting screwed big time for this, and the amount of water being sold at meat prices is going to keep going up until somebody screams, but in the meantime, apparently, since I’ve never seen any commentary on this, no one cares.

The receipts, by no means all, but you’ll get the point:

and yes, you can still find some without water added, but you’re gonna pay

I’m done,

Cheers, NADOA