Et Tu, Dune?

Worldwide events are too depressing, I’m retreating to watch old movies. Because I just finished the latest incarnation of the book Dune turned into a movie at the theater, so, I’ve decided to dredge up some of the earlier ones. Today I’m going to review the Sci-Fi channel’s “Frank Herbert’s Dune, Directors Cut”. Circa December 2000

Here we go, on with the review.

Let’s start with a critique of the players. Not a single actor in this production has the appearance, character, or presence of personality conjured up in reading the book, none were even close. And the liberties they took with the lines, along with the obliteration of the roles the various players were given, changing the essence of the story itself, is a tale all of its own. First of all, the director(s) should have been beaten for the costumes and faux English Royalty trappings they presented the audience with in the settings. While the book does hint at a Feudal society in decline, it nowhere depicts a degenerate European nobility with costumes out of a middle ages fable as it’s model, right down to the Robin Hood esq.’ furniture and trappings. And, I’m not being homophobic here, the main characters all act a bit gay, both in demeanor and costume, stereotypical English gay at that, the way John Cleese in Monty Python would depict them, not a manly man among them. And the performance of the leads, sigh.

Take William Hurt, for example, playing Duke Leto Atreides, the designated victim.  I’ve never seen a more wooden performance by him as he read various lines snatched at random from a book I doubt he ever read. He has done some good work over the years, and I don’t want to besmirk him now that he’s passed away, I think his best performance was in Gorky Park, but comparing that to this movie I am thinking someone swapped out his personality for a robot for this role.

Anyway, the lead actor, playing Paul, they kept trying to portray him as a blond and noble “Teutonic Knight in training”, but his performance is a cross between a petulant rich kid schoolboy and a stiff upper lip preppy, I kept hoping that a worm would eat him.

Then there’s Chani, the love of his life, helping to define the word “forgettable”. Also, in the novel, Paul’s mom is supposed to be a serene beauty, wily and thoughtful, along with killer fighting skills and mental powers. The actor for this part looks and acts like she has trouble picking out what lipstick to wear that goes with desert drab.

There is a nod to some of the other important figures in Paul’s life, like Duncan Idaho and Gurney Halleck, but the Duke’s Mentat, Thufir Hawat, despite being a crucial character in the novel, is almost invisible, excepting a ridiculous costume. As for the Duncan and Idaho characters, well, they both sucked, sorry. Integral they may have been to the original story, but here I was happy they got only a little screen time. Dr Yeuh, the erstwhile traitor, is in the book a strong but tortured man, here, he’s a spineless wimp. I’m not going to pick at the rest of them, it’s just more of the same.

The pacing of the “action”, amounts to “walk around for a bit, stop and recite a few lines grabbed at random from the book, do it again, and then again”, with all the enthusiasm and energy of third graders reciting Shakespeare in Old English.

And they can’t even get the lines right, in the book Chani, in an early “get to know you” dream conversation, says to Paul “Tell me of the waters of your home world, Usal”, she doesn’t call him “Mau’dib.” It makes a difference, but I guess you’d have to both read and understand what was going on in the book to know that, something that apparently no one involved in the production of this turkey took the time to do.

On we go to Chani meeting Paul in a desert hideout, a touching scene with all the sexual chemistry of a barracuda smelling rotten meat. A bit of banter here and there as they settle into their hideout, and then, unexpectedly, they treat us to a lingering shot of a guy changing clothes, bending over to show his bare ass down to his knees. Letting us see bitter-faced Chani’s boobs after that did nothing to mitigate the horror of that scene.

And then Paul’s mom pops in to catch him looking and she says “She’s the one from your dreams, I can tell by the way you stare at her”. For an all-wise Bene Gesserit Witch, she seems awfully dense.

I mean really, there isn’t a straight guy on this planet that has gone through puberty that doesn’t know why he is staring at her, and it isn’t because of any dreams he’s told his mom, I hope. “Gee mom, she reminds me of something that I dream about”, “I don’t know son, she looks a little rough around the edges for that”

And then there’s the scene with Dr. Kynes getting whacked, people who never read the book, i.e. most of the non-Sci-Fi buff audience, must have been flabbergasted at that one. At this point, his importance to the whole story is a complete mystery, and it’s going to stay that way. Right now he’s in the desert wandering around, dumped there by the evil Harkonnen’s, when all of a sudden he kneels down at a rumbling sound, and says “A pre-spice mass”, and then the sand, along with the good doctor, blows up. Given how far this thing strays from the book and its themes and dialogue, just about now everyone still watching is wishing it came with a Cliff Notes version along with a pause button so they could check and see what was going on.

Did I mention how they did the blue eyes of the Freeman in this one? Think “Village of the Damned” with Donald Sutherland, meets the sand people from Star Wars, peering at you from the shadows, only worse.

And then we have the fight scene with Jamis to ponder, as they both strip down to Japanese sumo wrestlers clouts, stuffed with socks in the front. I guess you don’t get Jockey’s in the desert. After a bit of posturing they proceeded to make the knife battle in “West Side Story” look believable. And the dialogue, oh god, the dialogue. “He’s never had to kill”, “Well, he better learn”. Good advice indeed. Jamis is, of course, toast, “Hey, we’re trying to fulfill a prophecy here”, and they move on to a depressing scene where they suck the water out of him, you wanna drink some,? it’s gooood, oof.

Sandworm riding. Of all the things they should have explained to a clueless audience, this is a biggy, and none of the Dune movies ever do so despite an excellent narrative on it, and how it’s done, in the book. In this one, you’re left with an image of a Roman Charioteer holding reins attached to a couple of flaps of “what?” In the book, it makes perfect sense, in all the movies so far they may as well have been using a flying carpet. The worms, and the riding thereof, are an integral part of the story, and indeed of the concept of desert power as expressed on Dune, a central theme almost totally washed out of the movie. When you finally get to see one of them they look like overgrown mealworms, with teeth. And into the fight scene he comes, evil Harkonnen’s are being slaughtered everywhere, as Paul floats in to join the battle like Zorro without a horse, knife in hand, I guess he learned his lesson. At this point, he is supposed to be evolving into some kind of a natural leader, based on his performances so far I don’t think there is a man on the planet who, being desperate to pee, would follow him to the bathroom.

We get treated here and there to the Emperor’s daughter, Princess Urulan, getting a complete recasting in both role and dialogue vis a vis the original story, and also an unbelievably cringe performance by Chani talking about the awesomeness of Paul’s skin, it made mine want to crawl away and hide.

In stunned response to this speech his mom, Jessica, the erstwhile Bene Gesserit, fishing around for something to say, gives us this line, “I mean, he still has the glow of youth”. This is dialog that must have escaped from a bad Disney movie, I almost heaved. BTW, Speaking of Disney characters, this is the mouse that supposedly inspired Paul to be “The Man” after they met:

I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a dessert warrior after having a conversation with that?

We then get treated to what passes for entertainment in the hideout. Wait, what? Punch and Judy Theater with dolls on strings, where was that in the book? Let’s inject English fable into a story that had nothing to do with anything European, why don’t we? This really gives a new definition to the concept of “Artistic License”, and not for the better.

 And then, as my mind slips into some imaginary dialogue to go with the next scenes, I give you this vision, courtesy of the red wine I’m drinking: Paul and Chani have a private talk, and it comes down to, “Let’s do a little bonding over some mystical sayings, and then we can go to my tent”. ”Okay, but I hope you don’t mind the smell of a VJ that’s never known a drop of soap and water”. “That’s ok, I’m so horny right now I’d fk a wet rock,“ or something like that. Think Michael Caine in “The Man Who Would Be King”, as the Afgan women try to entice him into a little hanky panky, only here he goes for it. And remember, she looks like this when she’s thinking about Paul:

And then they manage to squeeze in the orgy scene from the book, sort of, a lot of groping and rolling around the caves, along with a couple random breasts flashed upon the screen. I wanted a “Spice Beer” myself after I watched this one. I guess they were working on an “R” rating to drum up some interest when marketing this thing, but really, as far as the plot goes, they could have left this to the imagination of the fans.

Continuing on, somewhere in the making of this masterpiece the directors or producers or whoever runs the show says to the casting and makeup peep’s ”The Emperor’s private army, called the Sardaukar, are the badd-est, mightiest warriors in the galaxy, feared by all, make me a uniform/costume that reflects that”. And this is what they ran with:

Why, they practically radiate fierceness, right? I mean, let’s face it, you have to be tough to wear a wool sweater on a desert planet, think Phoenix in July….. And that hat, people practically die just looking at it.

There seems to be so many B-grade Sci-fi films made with all English casts, they must be really cheap compared to Hollywood extras. I still like to watch them, and it really shouldn’t matter but, in this case, it totally sucks, because they can’t shed their English mannerisms, and the fact that Herbert clearly defined the Atreides male line as being dark, dark, Greek, is totally ignored. And they so butchered the end scenes in this movie, a travesty majestic in its ineptitude. An audience that never read the book would not have had the slightest idea what was going on, and what’s the point of a movie you have to read a book first to understand?

Along the way Princess Irulan is tossed to the figurative wolves by her dad as he tries to salvage his place on top of the galactic food chain, in the final scenes I want to add her saying this subtext “It’s ok Dad, I’ll fk him, that’ll fix everything, “ and Paul, completely lacking in male hormones, declines.

And the costumes, why so many fkd up costumes, did someone have a side deal to get rich making up these ridiculous outfits for this movie, they have absolutely no place in this tale, someone must have had way too many bong hits when they approved them all.

Coming up on the final fight scenes, the opponents start to diss each other, saying things like the traditional Freeman “May they knife chip and shatter” the meaning of which is never explained, or, they could have used the “just as plausible” English rant “May you throw up after your first beer”, either line would have fit the mood. I knew they were skilled actors when they didn’t bust out laughing. And, somehow, they managed to sneak in a Japanese samurai outfit with a headband on Paul’s head for him to remove before the final fight scene:

When Paul says the obligatory “let’s fight” line I am reminded of another old taunt laid on the memory of ancient Greece, “May thy hemorrhoids be as big as grapes”. maybe it was Ancient Rome, it still fits this scene. The disrespect is so thick it could cut cold movie theater popcorn butter.

They start to fight, and, in the meantime, the actor playing Paul’s sister, Alia, suddenly laughs hysterically for some reason, and I think she says, sotto voice, “I can’t believe I get paid for this”, me neither. The final battle, completely lacking the tension and drama depicted in the book, is thankfully over quickly, a little more nonsense that was just made up by the screenwriter’s plays out, and it’s done.

And so it falls, like all the other Dune movies I’ve seen. Having been given a masterpiece, and told to bring it to the screen, instead the massive egos of the decision makers dictated that they rewrite the story somehow, and “Make it theirs”, and in doing so ruined the whole thing. It’s like a disease, and everyone who makes movies out of great books seems to be infected with it, they are driven to take masterful works of the imagination and turn them into dross while patting themselves on the back for being so wonderful. One thing that is consistent with all the various incarnations of this book on the silver screen is that they all refuse to tell the story that Frank Herbert told, absolutely refuse. This is a novel that has been touted as Science Fiction’s Supreme Masterpiece, and yet, the directors and producers all take different bits and pieces and slap them together to tell entirely different tales, why?

Everyone acknowledges the book was great but in all of the filmed versions I’ve seen they all manage to tell the tale, while eliminating its essence. They even managed a little bit of pseudo-Nazi symbolism in this one to the Atreides décor, no telling why, they just stuck it in there and ran with it:

Oh well.

Having just seen the most recent Dune movies at the theater, I am going to run down the other older ones that are out there. I remember being amused by the one that had Sting in it, if I can find it that will be next. I’ll save my critique of the current one for a while, people seem to like it and I don’t want to spoil it for anyone with my definitely biased opinions. BTW, this thing won 2 Emmys and a nomination for a third, and its follow-ups, depicting the next 2 books in the series, were apparently quite popular, although I’ve never seen them, so I guess I am in the minority with my critique, my bad.

 So there it is another movie review for your reading pleasure. It’s got some spoilers in it, but then again it’s a really old movie, so, so what? Even with my massive readership this one is not going to make much of an impact at this point in time, and my cat says I need to write something, so here it is.

Cheers, NADOA